what are disconfirming experiences?

Disconfirming experiences are experiences which disconfirm our previous understandings and update our perspective. When a disconfirming experience comes in, it creates a different or alternative experience than what we're used to. Often, these are positive and uplifting - creating a new, more life-affirming outlook than we had previously.

We might have a disconfirming experience about just about anything. If we previously had concerns about what it would be like to be in a situation, or what the outcome might be, a disconfirming experience comes in and changes that concern. Or, what we were accustomed to from our past happens differently in the present.

Essentially it updates the implicit understanding one has. There is new energy, a new outlook, which makes the old one obsolete.

Disconfirming experiences often show up in relational settings, and in therapy. I have witnessed disconfirming experiences for others with regards to being in social settings. Where they were previously concerned about social rejection, they actually receive social acceptance and love. Then, going forward into new social settings, there is more of an openness to acceptance and love, and less fear of rejection. A new doorway of possibility opens up. I think this must be because disconfirming experiences create new neural pathways!

We can have a disconfirming experience when we have a healthier intimate partnership than we've ever had. When a loved one responds differently to our concerns. When we have a better, more life-giving experience with something which previously left us feeling drained or hurt.

In therapy, we work within a relational container, and the relationship thus has a great potential for bringing disconfirming experiences to old relational wounds.

Being heard and understood by one's therapist can be a disconfirming experience in itself if we're not used to being heard and understood on such a deep level. For trauma survivors, the therapy space immediately offers a disconfirming experience because there is space and support for processing the trauma, time to process it, and a caring other - all things which were not present within the traumatizing experience.

I myself have experienced many disconfirming experiences in my life - and I love to highlight them and really name them for what they are! This is why having an understanding of this idea is useful; because then when it happens, we recognize the value of the moment and see how our outlook is shifting. We are conscious of the update that is taking place!

We can also intentionally open ourselves to the potential of a disconfirming experience. Perhaps we face a new situation knowing it could bring in a new outlook, or we attempt to enter a situation with openness. This is a way of working with our mind to rewire our expectations and create an openness to new potentials.

In my experience, disconfirming experiences are so powerful because they enable us to shift our perspective. There is power in shifting one's perspective, because ultimately, life is structured in such a way that perspective makes a huge impact on one's experience. I have been thinking for some time about the significance of perspective... from where we look impacts what we see!

Next time you have a unique experience that changes your perspective from the past, think about whether it was a disconfirming experience! Also, see if you can slow down and feel into the shifting. As I mentioned above, this process is really updating our implicit understanding. Sometimes we may feel the paradox of the old and the new perspectives side by side. Feel into it, and get familiar with this concept in your own life!

With love,

Allie